Becoming a Mom

I've spent the last two months on the couch.  Or more specifically, on the right side of my hand-me-down couch from the 80s in front of a laptop that runs Netflix 18 hours out of the day.  It has been both glorious and exhausting.

When people told me having a baby would change my life, I believed them, but I didn't really understand what they meant.  Most of my friends have children and I listened eagerly when they retold their stories of sleepless nights and poop cannons.  I observed parents interacting with their children and got honest with myself.  Could I run on no sleep?  Would I mind being covered in third party body fluids?  Would I mourn my loss of autonomy, free time and fun money?  I thought about it, made lists (it's what I do) and thought about it some more.  I knew I could do it.  After talking with my husband we decided to go ahead and try to start a family after our wedding.  And so we did.

I asked myself all of the practical questions.  What I didn't think to ask, and what good intentioned friends, family and countless hours on google couldn't quite explain, are the emotions that go into having a baby.  The second my little boy was placed on my chest I felt the world shift.  I looked at him, and he moved his head toward me, and I was shattered and rebuilt in an instant.

I feel lucky that my instincts kicked in immediately.  That I experienced the overwhelming love and pride and joy at holding my baby for the first time that people talk about but can't quite explain.  It was the most glorious moment of my life.

I go back to work soon and I'm feeling torn about it.  A part of me is excited to go back to work, to have a reason to take off the sweatpants, have adult conversations and work with my customers again.  Another part of me is crushed that I won't be able to sing to my baby as he wakes up and we open the curtains and change his diaper and read silly books between nap times.  I wonder, is this what all moms feel like when they go back to work?

Anyway, playtime in the bouncy seat is coming to a close (I can tell because the happy coos and frantic batting at toys has turned into the random smack and grunts) so I better go.  I've only got a few weeks of this left so I'm going to enjoy it all I can.